[009] honesty is rarely the best policy

[notafuckingnut]

We crash into things, we stop at fucking weird places, and now the damn boat floods?  What's next, we get hit by pirates?

...Actually that would be kinda cool.  Maybe then I would get to kill people without everybody hassling me about it all the time.  Or join them; I like their philosophy.  Their eye patches?  Not so much.  They creep me out.

Although they are kinda cool underneath; did you know eyeballs don't squish as much as you'd think?


[Cheerful, AFFECTED Richie is both cheerful and affected!  Warning: he also shares ENTIRELY too much and is likely to run his mouth until you tell him you really would like him to stop talking.  And even then he might try to continue anyway.

Belated, and I really should have put this up sooner:

Trigger Warnings: contained below is casual discussion of rape, torture, animal abuse, accidental murder, and confusion between kink and domestic violence, as well as TERRIBLE anti-rape advice.]

Comments

[general-chang.livejournal.com]

[Also affected.] Eyepatches have no eyes underneath. My own was ripped out of me in a battle against the usurper Kalnor, who wanted the Empire. I suppose you could take the view it was ironic since I also tried to assassinate the serving Chancellor, but it's only superficial. I had no desire to take over, just to ensure that the Federation didn't pollute the Empire with their pacific ideals.

[notafuckingnut.livejournal.com]

...I know eyepatches don't have eyes underneath. That's why people cover them. They make people uncomfortable. The patches themselves are what creep me out because you don't know what's under there. You can guess, but it's hidden so you don't know for sure. It could be an attack weasel that wants to chew your balls off for all you know. The socket part's kinda cool.

Although I'm not so sure about the skull-fucking thing. I mean, I'm a little curious, but I'm always worried they're gonna end up being a zombie, and getting turned through your dick's kinda a shitty way to go, yanno?

So that's how you got that. I was wondering, but I've never really talked to you before so it was a little hard to ask.

[dovehearted.livejournal.com]

Don't know why I never told you this before, but...

When you say things like that I think my husband would like you.

Not affected.

[some-kinda-hero.livejournal.com]

You've...squished eyes before?

[general-chang.livejournal.com]

My patch is bolted on, a weasel, though I have no clue what that is and assuming it's an animal, would quickly die. Also it would be rather uncomfortable and distracting.

Zombification is a disturbing fate, regardless of how you get there.

[notrueking.livejournal.com]

While I have no idea why you would consider them unsettling, I'm not particularly fond of them myself. They're quite inconvenient when you're only using them to hide conspicuously nonhuman features.

[notafuckingnut.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not but I'm going to assume it is; it makes me feel more secure about everything.

You're married?

[dovehearted.livejournal.com]

It's one this time. It isn't always but you two seem like you like the same things.

Not really it's hard to explain but I'd lived with him about a year so it's easier to say.

oh dear XD

[notafuckingnut.livejournal.com]

Mmhmm. A few times. The first one was an accident because I missed, but the other times I meant to, but I told Seth I didn't because it only would have gotten him more pissed off and I don't like it when he gets pissed off. He worries, and he's fucking scary when he's worried. But it's fun; you should try it sometime. It's like stabbing a grapefruit, only smaller.

...Although sometimes they scream and it's not so fun then. That's why I usually wait until they won't if I'm going to do it. I don't always.

[subtlescience]

I knew several pirates. I didn't like them. They were generally very dirty, and I find it insulting that people take issue with my hair when Barbossa hadn't seen the inside of a shower in years.

[notafuckingnut.livejournal.com]

They might be hiding attack ferrets and I like my balls. And that whole area; I would be really fucking pissed off if it got damaged by ferrets because then I wouldn't be able to screw. And I really like to screw even if the girls usually change their minds about it halfway through.

You have two eyes?

[notafuckingnut.livejournal.com]

How don't you know what a weasel is? It's a weasel. Everybody knows what that is; I didn't even graduate and I know what a weasel is. But the fact that your patch is bolted on makes me feel better so I appreciate that.

Well yeah. But it would be worse if it started in your dick; it's the kind of thing people have nightmares about. Or like that magic trick where the magician makes you think you don't have one 'cause he's a douchebag.

[general-chang.livejournal.com]

I am not human and I am reminded of this everyday, being turned into a human, whether through flooding or the expectations of humans is extremely irritating and I wish to kill whoever makes the mistake. I only don't because killing humans is tedious and only a few of them are even threatening. Plus, this coming back to life bothers me.

[notafuckingnut.livejournal.com]

So it's a good thing. Now.

I need to ask because I need constant reassurance that I'm doing okay and things are the way I think they are because they aren't always and I usually can't tell. And I don't always believe people when they say things like that which is why I'm going to ask what you mean by "it isn't always".

Also. Why would you say you're married if you aren't?

[notafuckingnut.livejournal.com]

Well your hair is fucking greasy; I don't give a shit but most people don't like that even if you're clean everywhere else.

That's your whole thing against pirates, that they don't shower?

[subtlescience]

I've been taking better care of it. It makes me feel despondent that no one has noticed, but I'm going to decide that I'm superior to all of you and brush it off.

I also take issue with the lifestyle in general. They killed a lot of people without giving it much thought. I think a pirate would probably try to kill me.

[notafuckingnut.livejournal.com]

But you look human. How can you not be human? I'm probably going to continue not to believe you because I'm having trouble adjusting to this whole situation, even though I act like I'm not; I'm really hoping this is all just one big nightmare and I'll wake up and everything will be the way it's supposed to be.

[dovehearted.livejournal.com]

Sometimes he hangs around guys who I think are going to cause him trouble. I'm usually right about that. ...I don't think you're like that.

I don't want people I don't know to think I'm easy. It doesn't seem like anyone cares here, but I still care.

[notafuckingnut.livejournal.com]

Maybe if you didn't act like you're better than everybody else you would have more friends. I'm assuming you don't have friends because I didn't really like you when I met you before and I jump to conclusions that apparently aren't right a lot.

I think a lot of people would probably try to kill you, but that's just me assuming again. I would if I had something to do it with because I hold grudges against people for reasons that aren't really reasons. And I don't like your face. Or the fact that you wouldn't let me in that room even though I wasn't going to go into it anyway.

I like the pirate lifestyle; they don't pretend about things. Plus there's lots of killing and fucking.

[subtlescience]

Acting superior is simply my default behaviour after years of bullying, abuse, and social ostracism. I am intelligent and a highly skilled wizard, and as I know for a fact I am at least a more skilled wizard than you are, I will latch on to that belief and use it to boost my own ego so, in the event that you say something hurtful to me, it will only rebound off of a wall of self-assurance I've built.

I do have friends, though. They keep leaving and it makes me resentful of the people who are still here. Except my wife. I really do like her.

I think you're suspicious and sneaky and if you go near my room again, I'll let the door dissolve you just to see if you learn a lesson.

Pirates were at sea for months at a time and women were thought to be bad luck aboard ships. If there was any fucking going on, it was all amongst themselves.

[toldastory]

It's a hard life being a pirate, you know. And they smell very bad because they don't bathe.

But it depends on the pirates.

[notrueking.livejournal.com]

I am not entirely sure how one would go about fitting an entire ferret in their eye socket, though given how brainless humans tend to be, it wouldn't surprise me if someone had died trying.

I did. ...prior to having it gouged out, at least.

[notafuckingnut.livejournal.com]

...No, I'm usually the one who would be causing it. I don't mean to, but I do.

But you can still be married and be easy. It happens all the time; the last chick I fucked was.

...Okay, "easy" might be going a little far, she was shaking like a leaf the whole time and then she started screaming and kicking and she tried to fucking bite me and I had to make her stop so she wouldn't get me in trouble. But she was married, and she went along with it for a while. That's almost the same thing, right?

Not that I'm saying you're easy. You're like Seth only with tits.

[Whatever that means.]

[notafuckingnut.livejournal.com]

It could happen; you never know.

Were you in a battle too?

[notrueking.livejournal.com]

It could, but I would also assume that the ferret would be more likely to attack the person who tried to stuff it in their eye socket.

Yes. Quite a few, actually.