notafuckingnut | [015] it keeps dragging me down, it's getting kind of lame

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[015] it keeps dragging me down, it's getting kind of lame

[The camera shows the ceiling of his room and all its varied cracks, and...that's it. Off-camera you can hear Richie shouting at...something and the occasional crash of one thing or another toppling from its usual spot. The camera view shakes once, then stills again.

Fortunately he doesn't actually have that many belongings to break.]

Stay. Still. You fucking COCKROACH.

[Another crash as something shatters into pieces.]

a/n: Someone's room has been invaded by faeries. Well. One, anyway. His door's open, so feel free to stop by if you hear the ruckus!

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.. what the hell are you doing?

[The commotion quiets, and after the sound of something making contact with a rather hard object with an ominous *thunk* and the loud stream of cursing that follows, Richie appears in front of the screen.]

Trying to kill the new addition. I don't even know how it fucking got in.

Why.

[Behind Richie David can see small somethings streaking by, but they're much too fast for him to make out. Maybe it's just Richie's communicator on the fritz.]

I dunno, when people are mad enough to trash their rooms over the network I figure it's a good eye to ask why.

[Maybe. But probably not.

He jerks his head to look somewhere off-camera, but evidently he wasn't quick enough because he missed whatever it was. He scowls.]

What, you haven't seen 'em yet? You'd be pissed too if you had seamonkeys getting into your shit.

.. Seamonkeys? What? What are you talking about?

[He's starting to think Richie is drunk. Or possibly on something. Costigan told him you could get stuff here on the Barge if you knew the right people.]

What do you mean, what am I talking about? Did you not see the fucking flying things?

I see little zippy things,... I think. What, are you saying your room's got bugs?

No bugs I've ever seen; they're like little people. With wings.

And they're going through my shit.

I swear, I am going to kill them. All of them.

"... little people with wings."

[Yep, he's gotta be drunk.]

Uh... good luck with that, dude.

[Behind him, a couple of fairies flit past, almost too fast to be seen. Facing the screen, he completely misses them.]

You've got 'em too! So don't even give me that bullshit.

Got what? I don't got anything in here.

[Meanwhile the fairies are busy shaping David's hair and snickering, tufting up a pair of devil horns from his blonde locks. He still doesn't notice.]

Seamonkeys. Don't you see them? They're right there.

[There's a momentary lull, and then Richie lurches to the side suddenly.]

HEY. DON'T FUCKING-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING. QUIT THAT OR I'M GOING TO CRUSH YOUR--

[Please hold as Richie lunges off the bed to try to deal with the thing. There's more crashing and thuds; he'll be back in a minute.]

You're crazy. There's no-

[And that's when even David can't ignore the fairies anymore, because that's when they decide to dump a midair tub of glitter on him.]

What the fuck?!

[And now they're everywhere here, messing with David's figures and gewgaws, zooming around with his games, and scribbling some lewd message on his shirt. He swats at them but when he gets up, he quickly falls over - they tied his shoelaces together.]

I TOLD YOU.

[He's back. Sans shoes and at least one sock. And he lost his glasses sometime during the struggle; he's not sure where they went and he can't be bothered to try to find them right now.

It's safe to assume there was no crushing or else he'd be worse off than he is.]

[He barely notices. He's rolled under the bed to escape the fairies and they counter by rocking the mattress above him.]

Yeah, yeah, you told me! But you didn't tell me how to get rid of them!

[Now they're flitting under the bed too, poking him relentlessly and giggling all the while. He's seriously consider morphing, right here with Richie watching, just to be rid of these little bastards.]

'Cause I don't know! I keep trying and they won't fucking leave. Generally if you kill things they stop, but I can't even catch 'em.

Fuck this shit. These little bastards wanna fuck with me, I'll give 'em something to fuck with.

[David's picked the rattlesnake, and in doing so, forgotten Rule #34 of the Evil Overlord list.]

Richie? These fucking things giving you shit?

They wouldn't if they'd just quit moving. Or if my fucking warden let me keep the gun. I just. need--

[And then there's a *squish* and a triumphant "HA" and Richie appears on-screen, looking rather triumphant. Just ignore the tiny red specks, they're not his.]

Hi, Seth. You got 'em too?

[ Something makes him think that a gun is exactly the last thing Richie needs. Besides, it wouldn't be very practical against the damned things. No motion in his face upon hearing the squish. ]

Yeah. Still locked outta my room though. Is this shit usual here?

[Practical? No. Fun? Absolutely.]

They locked you out? Well, shit, there's no telling what you're gonna walk into later. They're evil bastards.

But yeah, this kinda stuff happens all the time. ...Not the flying seamonkeys, they're new, but weird shit. All of October was fucked, the whole place was like haunted or some shit, and there was a week where a lot of people were just kinda saying whatever was on their mind. Like I said. Weird.

[ Have a blank view except of a couple fairies who are either dozing or knocked out - it's hard to tell, since they're slumped over her table with their little fairy bottoms in the air. ] You do that, they'll just keep coming back.

[And we'll say that by this point the faeries have had their revenge; it's why he's glaring at the screen mutinously. Yes, yes, he discovered that thank you, no need to say it.

...But there's nobody on the other side of the screen except faeries. The glare breaks, giving way to puzzlement, and he opens his mouth to question, but nothing comes out.]

[ She has no idea what's so confusing about what she just said. ] What do you keep in your bathroom, Richie?

[More confusion; what does that have to do with anything? He tries to protest again, but...again, there aren't any words. He heaves a sigh then holds up a finger.

Typed words show up moments later.]

I don't have a bathroom, I have a toilet. And why can't I see you? Did the fuckers make you invisible?

[ you can't see her nod, so she thinks to say "yes" a moment later ]

I know, but... anything that looks like these guys might want to eat or drink?

I don't know, I've been paying more attention to getting them out or dead than what they'd want to order at a restaurant.

[A few minutes later, after he's had some time to investigate.]

I've got listerine and a plate of some crap that I think is probably half mold. I could always try to give them salmonella.

[ patience, patience, he can't help himself ] Try getting it out. They'll pass out.

Okay? What, just pass out pass out or eat it and then pass out?

... second one.

Well that's a letdown.

[But he does as suggested anyway, because it's worth a shot.]

[ did they get trashed on mouthwash alcohol? ]

[SO TRASHED. Richie would be sniggering over the feed if he had functional vocal cords.]

That's almost better than cable.

[ An invisible giggle lets loose before she can stop herself. ] Then you tie them up. 's what someone else told me.

Why not just take care of it completely? They're easy enough to catch right now.

Kill one and you just get two more.

They have to run out of them sometime.

[ a sigh ] ...gotta wonder.

And maybe it won't count if they're too drunk to know any better. Maybe the fairy factory or what the fuck ever won't get the memo.

[ Richie just wants an excuse to kill something, doesn't he. She starts to come into view again, and shakes her head with a discouraging wrinkle in her nose. ] ... if you tie it up, it'll be funny when it sobers up.

They took my voice. I feel like the Little fucking Mermaid over here, only I don't get to marry a princess to get it back. I'm just assuming. So I'm not really feeling like "funny" is really enough here.

...Hey, you're back. Kind of.

[ this is another awkward metaphor based on a story she doesn't know, isn't it. Her eyes flick down at her hands and she relaxes a little. ] It comes and goes. Be worse for them if they're trapped, though, instead of dead.

[A good minute pause; dead fairies would definitely make HIM feel a little better about things. But if she has other ideas...it might be worth listening to her.]

You think so?

[ She nods, with that tight little smile that he should know by now as "I know you don't want to but trust me". ] They won't know what hit them.

[Some more deliberation, and then a heaved sigh; so much for his revenge.]

...I wish I had floss. It would go with the theme.

[ he accepts his fate. that doesn't mean he can't laugh at other people though. which is basically what he's doing now, inwardly. ]

Having a little trouble, are we?

[Have a snort and a death-glare; faerie-affected Richie is a bit more tongue-tied than usual.]

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