[035] I turned to look but it was gone I cannot put my finger on it now

[notafuckingnut]

I hate this.

Just fucking stop, okay? Last time was fucking fine; I mean...it was a trip and a half but it was just a bunch of weird assholes. A genie without a lamp and a pink horse; that's...that's cartoons. That's fine. Just make up your fucking mind already, okay?

Did anybody else talk to him?

There were some other cool people this time around though.

[...girls. He liked them, at least.]


[PRIVATE to Castiel]

I want a TV. I'll do an extra shift in the greenhouse or whatever, I just need one. It doesn't need a bunch of extra channels, basic cable's fine.

[PRIVATE to Lua]

Did you see him?

Comments

[some_kinda_hero]

[She regards him, lips in a thin line and eyes semi-glaring.]

If I'm such a bitch, because let's face it, you call me that a lot, why do you still talk to me? You know damn well why I'm more prone to being means towards you than I am nice. You know damn.well.

[She's looking less angry and more likely to cry.]

[notafuckingnut]

I already answered that. It's your turn.

[please don't cry. He won't know what to do if you cry.]

[some_kinda_hero]

Because I'm trying! [, she snaps.]

[She ticks off on her fingers:] I want good memories from this place. I want to leave with as clean a slate as I'm going to get, good karma, and...

[she opens her palms, raising both as if to ward him off.] It's probably one the stupider things I have done, but you wouldn't be the first monster I forgave for the unspeakable things you did to me.

[notafuckingnut]

[quietly, with no small amount of injured pride.]

...I'm not a monster.

TRIGGER WARNING for anyone potentially read this!!!

[some_kinda_hero]

[Claire is speechless. Well, save for one word that she repeats with an increasing amount of incredulous-ness.]

What? What? WHAT!

[It was a good thing she didn't have neighbors anymore and partly the reason she was practically screaming at him.]

I'm sorry, but what the fuck do you call someone who rapes their friend?!

Re: TRIGGER WARNING for anyone potentially read this!!!

[notafuckingnut]

[he visibly flinches, and when he replies he's agitated himself, shaking his head.]

No, that's not...You said...I thought...

You said it was okay.

I heard you.

[right? Maybe? He was CERTAIN before, but now, with her standing in front of him and screaming, he's not so sure anymore.]

[some_kinda_hero]

[She growls and stomps her foot.]

NO! No, I never said it was okay! Maybe I confused you before, but not once did I say I wanted to sleep with you that day. If stabbing you wasn't a sure sign, then the crying and screaming and fighting against you should have been a clear sign that I didn't.want.to have sex with you!

[notafuckingnut]

[he shifts from foot to foot, clearly uncomfortable.

It just makes this whole thing awkward when she's around; it's easier to avoid actual guilt when the victim's dead, after all, and while it was okay as long as they weren't talking about it...]

...do we have to do this out here?

[some_kinda_hero]

[Her smile, it's so fake it hurts.]

Oh, no, please, let's go back in the room it happened in!

[Her face drops, fast, and she almost says 'fuck you' but refrains. Instead, she storms off and calls over her shoulder:]

You coming or not?

[notafuckingnut]

[he skulks after her, almost as if he's having second thoughts.

He's careful to keep plenty of space between them once they're inside though.]

I didn't...it wasn't s'posed to go like that.

[some_kinda_hero]

[Inside the common room, because this mun can write good.]

[She was sure to shut the door, not risking anyone just waltzing on in. She takes to pacing, never once taking her eyes off him.]

How was it supposed to go? Why?

[She stops pacing and tears up again, her voice smaller than the previously yelling one.] Richie, why would you do that to me?

[To anyone?]

[notafuckingnut]

[he could take the yelling. Seth yelled. Yelled and hollered and shoved and got in his face, MADE him look, made him see what he'd done. Dead eyes and motionless bodies and blood more places than it wasn't.

Crying was different. He wasn't sure he liked crying any better. He didn't anyway, but this was worse.]

No, it wasn't like--

It was supposed to be... I heard you.

I did. It was supposed to be okay. It's not my fault if everything always gets fucked up.

[because he fucks it up, because they do...it's pretty vague.]

[some_kinda_hero]

[She tried to take a deep breath, shaky as it was. She's not sure she wants to do this, but she's at a loss.]

Okay, fine. Fine. Let's approach this differently; what did you hear? I want you to replay that scene for me how you saw it.

[Does she look scared shit-less? She should.]

[notafuckingnut]

You were talking about Jesse, and then you started complaining about him, and you went into the bathroom to do...something, take a minute or something, and you came back in and sat down on the bed and you gave me this Look an' said I could sit down too if I wanted. And you started touching me and then...you know.

You asked. I wouldn't have if you didn't.

[hes certain of that, even if his perception of what happened and what didn't isn't exactly right.]

[some_kinda_hero]

[She rubs her temples about halfway through his explanation and continues to do so after he's gone silent. She sighs something short and nods, hands on her hips as she looks at him again.]

That part...that wasn't...you weren't leaving or taking no for an answer. That part was wrong of you, you should have just listened.

[She takes to pacing again.]

But...I thought if I tried to seduce you, it'd be easier. [To kill you.] I thought I'd teach you a lesson because you weren't going to stop, that much was obvious. You hear what you want to hear. I was sick of it. I wanted to take matters into my own hands.

[She stops but won't look at him.]

That part was wrong of me.

[notafuckingnut]

...so you changed your mind because I wasn't getting the message. So you could stab me?

[now he's lost; that...doesn't really make any sense to him.]

[some_kinda_hero]

[She just nods, eyes still planted on the floor in front of her. She speaks above a whisper, almost monotone but not quite.]

I knew you wouldn't leave. And I knew the only way to catch you off guard was to pretend to be interested. Get you close enough, distract you. Then attack.

[notafuckingnut]

But...you didn't have to pretend. You could've just...

If you didn't want to, why'd you let me in? Why'd you do...any of it? I mean, I thought...

You didn't have to stab me.

[some_kinda_hero]

[She looks at him now, wavering between a glare and something guilty.]

Richie. I had told you no before. Numerous times. I said I just wanted to be friends, but you kept twisting my words. The first day we met you thought I was going in the shower with you. I never said that. I was trying to be nice and show you around. I tried saying no, I tried being friends.

[notafuckingnut]

I didn't twist anything though. I didn't.

Things aren't always the way I think they are, that's all. I guess. It's not my fault I heard different.

And anyway. If you really had a problem why keep getting involved? We wouldn't have had a problem at all if you stopped talking to me.

[because apparently there's absolutely nothing wrong with blaming her too; mess only take away the hallucinations and delusions, not the ignorant ideology and pathetic excuses.]

[some_kinda_hero]

Because I figured you'd make a better friend than an enemy. You sent off five million red flags, I didn't trust you. I thought if I kept playing nice and tried to be your friend that in the end it would be better than telling you to stay away, which you know damn well you wouldn't have anyway, and that you'd keep your evil at bay.

[Shrugs.]

Obviously, I was wrong.

[notafuckingnut]

...I'm not evil.

[some_kinda_hero]

[She scratches at her temple, snorting.]

Right, you're just an Inmate for the fun of it.

[She wants to leave. She's done. Instead, she collapses onto the nearest sofa, burying her face in her hands.]

[notafuckingnut]

Just because I've done some bad things it doesn't make me evil.

I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want to hurt any of 'em.

[more uncomfortable shifting. He's sorry? And if he knew how to make her not hate him he'd do something. But he doesn't.]

[some_kinda_hero]

[Deep breaths. Deep breaths. She draws in four or five, she's lost count, still hiding behind her hands. When they fall back to her lap, her cheeks are finally wet, though she makes no crying noises. Robotic-like, Claire stands and walks towards the door. She pauses by him, shoulder to shoulder, but her eyes remain forwards. She flounders, but manages to get out, monotoned:]

I...

I forgive you.

[And she walks out.]