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notafuckingnutIt's official; I'm sick of snow. You can take it away now, I'm done.
[Private to not-Santa]
I haven't believed in the tooth fairy or Santa Claus in forever, so tell me why the fuck I'm doing this letter? It's not like it's actually going to the North Pole or anything. I should just do it on paper, crumple it in a ball, and peg somebody with it instead. Or find a lighter somewhere. Because this is beyond stupid.
I want a pony. Only not really.
I want to go...home. I guess. El Rey. Where we were supposed to go before everything got fucked to hell. I want to know if it was really going to be as good as Seth promised. I want...a water bed. And a TV with actual channels. Good ones. And something better than a fucking pen for self-defense. It's weak.
And porn. Good porn; I'm running out of material here.
Give Seth a deck of cards, I guess. It's a shitty gift, but he needs something to do here. And I'm sure he could get a pretty good racket going with a deck of cards. Could get fun. ...And I don't mean those plain, boring Bicycle ones either; I'm talking a nice deck. But, you know. Classy.
You know what? Give Graham a deck too. I wasn't planning on giving him anything, but he'd...okay, I don't think he'd like them, but give him a deck anyway.
Lua...I dunno. I don't really do this holiday thing 'cause it's stupid but...fuck. I don't even know. A "get out of jail free" card. A cactus. A book of weird IOUs with things like "a hot fudge sundae" in it. I don't know, I'm no good at this.
Make Claire change her mind. Short of that, kick that jerkwad guy she's got in the kidneys. Hard enough to make him piss blood.
...Or just give us a really good flood that'll do both of those things. And...give her something stuffed. I guess; girls like stuffed things, right?
[Private to not-Santa]
I haven't believed in the tooth fairy or Santa Claus in forever, so tell me why the fuck I'm doing this letter? It's not like it's actually going to the North Pole or anything. I should just do it on paper, crumple it in a ball, and peg somebody with it instead. Or find a lighter somewhere. Because this is beyond stupid.
I want a pony. Only not really.
I want to go...home. I guess. El Rey. Where we were supposed to go before everything got fucked to hell. I want to know if it was really going to be as good as Seth promised. I want...a water bed. And a TV with actual channels. Good ones. And something better than a fucking pen for self-defense. It's weak.
And porn. Good porn; I'm running out of material here.
Give Seth a deck of cards, I guess. It's a shitty gift, but he needs something to do here. And I'm sure he could get a pretty good racket going with a deck of cards. Could get fun. ...And I don't mean those plain, boring Bicycle ones either; I'm talking a nice deck. But, you know. Classy.
You know what? Give Graham a deck too. I wasn't planning on giving him anything, but he'd...okay, I don't think he'd like them, but give him a deck anyway.
Lua...I dunno. I don't really do this holiday thing 'cause it's stupid but...fuck. I don't even know. A "get out of jail free" card. A cactus. A book of weird IOUs with things like "a hot fudge sundae" in it. I don't know, I'm no good at this.
Make Claire change her mind. Short of that, kick that jerkwad guy she's got in the kidneys. Hard enough to make him piss blood.
...Or just give us a really good flood that'll do both of those things. And...give her something stuffed. I guess; girls like stuffed things, right?
