notafuckingnut | [028] wish I knew what you were looking for

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[028] wish I knew what you were looking for

[Accidental VIDEO]

[He turns the letter over and over in his hands, pausing now and then to read the outside, a single word written in an all-too-familiar hand, with a worried expression. Unsettled. He already knows what's inside, he's read it a dozen times by now, maybe more, practically has the damn thing committed to memory but he's no closer to deciding what it MEANS.

He was here. He was HERE. And Richie missed him.

He unfolds the page, scanning over the words inside.

Keep your head down. Do what the warden says; you don't have to LIKE him, but do what he says. It's a prison, not Spring fucking Break. And for god's sake stay away from the girls.

There's more, more of the same, plus some encouragements on top of it but it doesn't matter because there's nothing about why he left. Like it didn't happen, like he'd never been here at all, but he was. Richie's sure he was. Only...

Lua said it was okay to be mistaken sometimes. That it happened, that sometimes things weren't the way they looked the first time.

But he'd been here. He KNOWS he was.

He frowns at the paper, a headache building somewhere in the back of his skull with his growing uncertainty. Fingers curl in, crushing, crumpling it into a ball, into nothing, and he casts it away from him, sending it skittering off into who knows where before pulling his knees towards his chest, twitching fingers running through his hair absently, a soothing gesture, for as much good as it seems to do.

He doesn't want to be here anymore. He's finished. A shove at the nightstand, just enough to jostle it without knocking it over completely, and the communicator drops to the floor, killing the feed.]

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Richie? [ Seth really needs to stop showing up and disappearing again. ]

[Off-camera, and muffled; you get a wonderful view of the ceiling right now, Lua.]

What.

That was Seth, right?

He's not here.

But that paper?

Yeah, he wrote it. What about it? He's not.here. It doesn't matter.

[ What can she say to that? ]

I want to go back.

[He can't say "home," he doesn't have one. But...he can't stay here. Not if it's going to be like this; he doesn't want to have to wonder if Seth's here or if he isn't. If he has or hasn't been.]

He's everything, isn't he.

[Okay, he'll talk to you. Like, actual talk; he reaches down to grab the damn thing, even if it takes some blind groping under the bed, then drops it in front of him, and NOW you can see him. He frowns, trying to find words.]

He's... Fuck, I don't...

[Off come the glasses, and he rubs at his eye with his palm, like he's either tired or trying to wipe something away.]

He's all I got, you know?

[ She doesn't say anything, just nods and looks down sympathetically. This is every day for her, Richie, she just knows how to hide it, and she wouldn't wish it on anybody. ]

...Did you see him? When he was here?

[It's a long shot, he knows, but he figures he might as well ask.]

Friend of mine showed up for me. He saw him.

...Yeah, Seth said something about that. Guess he's got a mean right hook or something.

[...Or something.]

[ If Graham remembers this place when she comes back, she's going to want to have a talk. ] Sometimes he gets out of control.

But Seth was here. It isn't the same, but...

It's okay, sometimes I want to punch him too. He can be an ass.

[...Except he never does because he's always right anyway. But that's not even remotely the point.]

...He was here before that too though. Right?

[ Her head shakes up and down. ] Met him when we went to that place, looked like Mexico.

[A frown. That's what he thought. And he'd be relieved if he wasn't so unsettled.]

He didn't remember. At least, he didn't say anything about it.

[gently.]

Are you all right?

Do you actually care?

Yes.

The last one said that too.

I'm not them.

If you say so.

[He doesn't sound convinced. Hard to tell for sure though, if he's not in the shot.]

[He pauses, considering.]

I brought you some comic books.

Would you like to work in the greenhouse with me?

...You're outside.

[Why are you here, Castiel, he knows you're just going to disappear too.]

No, I'm in my room.

[Wingbeats.]

Now I'm outside.

Whatever.

Come in if you want, I don't give a shit. Door's unlocked.

[Castiel comes in. He has Generic Comic Books.]

Hello.

How've you been?

[Plus side: he actually lowers his hands enough to look over, even if he's still mostly peeking through the space between his arms.

Downside: he shoots Cas a miserable death glare.]

I fucking hate floods.

[Castiel does not seem to be offended by this death glare. He offers the comic books over to him.]

I agree... they're quite irritating.

"Irritating". Right. Bullshit and unfair, maybe. But this whole place is, so that's not new.

[He reaches out for the stack warily, although he doesn't seem to have any intention of leaving the bed any time soon.]

What do you want?

[Because he can't be giving him things for no reason; that's not how the world works.]

I suppose.

[He comes over to Richie to hand him the books.]

I figured you might be bored.

As an unrelated matter, I wanted to know if you'd like to work with the greenhouse with me. I think you'd benefit from it.

I guess.

[Difficult to be bored after a flood; the problem's no longer not enough but too much. He doesn't know what to DO now, and even though Seth told him to do what he's told, it's hard to listen to a guy who forgets he's been there before.

Unless he wasn't, and Richie has no idea where THAT would put him. He tries to avoid thinking about it, it makes things too complicated.

Books in Castiel's hand are now books at Richie's feet; he'll look through them later, he doesn't really feel like it right now.]

Do I have a choice?

[He studies the stack, and then Richie.]

Of course. You always have a choice. But if you seek to graduate, I think this would be a helpful experience.

Why should I? It doesn't matter.

Nothing does.

It does matter.

No. It doesn't. If people can just...leave without their half of the bargain, or without graduating, there's no fucking point.

Life isn't always fair, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't do all we can to become better people.

But why? I'm not saying it's fair or not, I'm just saying that if other people can leave without doing what they're supposed to, why does it matter if you do it or not?

Because doing what we can - accomplishing our goals, improving ourselves, helping other people - are valuable things in life. How other people are treated, or what they're given or awarded or why, is irrelevant to that.

I just don't want to be here. I don't care about the rest of it. My goal is to go back, there's nothing wrong with me that I need to improve, and I don't give a shit about anybody else.

And I don't get why other people get to go back but I gotta be stuck here.

You can always be a better person.

[Sulk; he leans back, arms crossed over his chest.]

I'm fine how I am. I don't need to change, it's everybody else that's got the problem.

[A pause.]

But fine. If you're gonna be like that I'll do your damn greenhouse thing.

[If it doesn't matter there's no harm, and at least it's SOMETHING.]

You only have control over yourself, and you can always improve. Even the wardens, including myself.

Thank you. I'd like you to report to me tomorrow and we'll start with basic care.

Fine. Whatever.

[He doubts you, Cas, but he'll go along. For now. He'll be there tomorrow, at least.]

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