notafuckingnut | [006] you blow it all with paranoia; you're so insecure you self-destroyer

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[006] you blow it all with paranoia; you're so insecure you self-destroyer

[After the conclusion of this, there is a very worried looking Richie on-camera; wild eyes, twitching fingers, general restlessness - it's clear he's had some kind of shock and isn't handling it at all well.]

WILL SHE'S-

[Feed cuts out, only to click back on a few seconds later mid-rant]

- I FUCKING SWEAR I'M GONNA -

[Cuts out again]

[Private to Graham, only this time it's text]

WILL SHES HERE. SHES GOING 2 TRY 2 KILL ME AGAIN I FUCKING SWEAR. I NEED A GUN OR SOMETHING. I had a visit 2. From some guys who seemd 2 think I did something I didnt do. A few nights ago. Thought u should know.

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[Shit. How to spin this carefully when she has to watch everything she says to him now?]

Well, yeah. Dying isn't exactly fun, you should remember that. And death tolling afterwards? It sucks.

...Oh. Okay. Yeah, I kinda figured. Um. Thanks, I'll try to remember that.

[Crush his hopes, why don't you.]

...What d'you mean, death tolling?

[CRUSHED.]

After you die here, yeah, you come back, but you come back with side-effects. We've sort of started calling it death tolling. Headaches, nausea, tingling, it varies.

[EVIL, EVIL WOMAN. :( ]

...Oh. So it's not as simple as you just...don't stay dead.

[Pause pause]

What about you? I mean, you said you heal, so...is it the same rules, or...?

[Why are you asking, Richie. YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW THIS.]

A Warden had to bring you back, though. We ask the Admiral to resurrect you. And I say you rhetorically. It goes for Inmates and fellow Wardens alike.

Iiii don't die? [Except there are ways but she keeps that shit on the down low.] There was one time, though, when a flood happened and my powers weren't working. Aleera was still an Inmate then and she went on a feeding frenzy. I happened to be in the line of fire. When I woke up, though, I only had a minor ache where she attacked me. My side-effects, when they even occur, don't last as long as, say, yours would.

[Claire stupidly thinks he's just interested. It is something you don't deal with every day. She'd ask questions too.]

...Well fuck. [Did he say that out loud? He didn't mean to.]

...So it's not a given, you have to get permission. [Scoff] Well that's stupid. What, do they have some quota they gotta make or something?

[He's...ignoring Flood comments. He doesn't understand them, he doesn't WANT to understand them, so he's just going to ignore them unless he can't.]

[Blinks.] Um, no. Dying here already seems to have less of an impact than it should or than it would in the real world. Maybe it's to make it more...humane? Give it some sort of effect.

...How's it more humane if you have to have somebody ask the guy in charge if it's okay to bring you back? I mean...I'd think it'd be more humane if you just...didn't die at all. It fucking sucks. If anything's not humane, it's that.

It's not so much permission as it is, like, reminding him? I guess...

[Sighs.] Yeah, it'd be nice on the emotionally attachment alone.

Screw that. [What is this "emotional attachment" thing?] I'm talking the actual dying. I mean...fuck. You ever drown in your own blood? Fucking gross. You can't get rid of the taste for hours. [Not to mention DROWNING IS SCARY, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE NOT IN WATER, but like hell he's actually going to say that.]

Not my own blood, no. [Just water. And fire, did that count? Still suffocating...she frowns as she mulls this over.] It's not we want you guys to die or kill each other. That's one of the reasons we're here. To help curve that urge or temptation. Consequences for your actions and all that.

...I guess.

[Pause pause]

You don't seem to be doing that great a job of it, though.

[She instantly grows defensive.]

Me personally or the Wardens in general?

[Hastily]

No, no, the wardens in general. Not you. I mean, unless you personally tried to stop the last one and failed, but...I'm not saying you. Just...in general.

[He would NEVER intentionally badmouth you, Claire. That's just counterproductive.]

[GOOD, because he barely knows her. Still, she huffs because some of these Wardens are her friends...though not a lot.]

It's challenging, yeah, but what would be the point if this was all easy? We get all sorts of Inmates coming through, some more manageable than others, but it's never easy. We can't just take everything away from you guys or always lock you away. You need to be able to control your urges, to...take responsibility for your own actions. It can't always be up to us because then you'd never learn. And what sort of life would it be if we were nothing but dominating? You'd all resent us and we'd just be stuck in this vicious circle with no one ever progressing forward. That's why we discourage constantly resorting to Level Zero.

[Holy hell, is she rambling.]

Is any of this making sense? It did in my head.

Yeah, it kinda is. I guess.

[It just doesn't apply to him. CLEARLY. Because he is the Exception.]

Okay, well, good.

[Nods.] So, yeah, I'll see you around, Richie.

[Nod nod]

Definitely, yeah.

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